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I’m starting to think my husband is an annoying person. He gets irritated with me so easily and is always angry. The smallest thing that goes wrong can spoil his mood, and then he will be like this all day. It could be something as small as me forgetting to make a dinner reservation we discussed. My husband is moody and angry all the time. He’s always negative, and it makes me tired. He would never hit me, and he has never been violent, but I can’t handle this anymore. He makes me feel like I can’t do anything right, and I’m constantly afraid I’ll mess up. My husband blames me for his angry outbursts. I just don’t understand: Why is my husband always angry with me?
Answer:
It’s not so much that your husband is angry with you, but more that he is dealing with a lot of anger, probably the result of some other suppressed emotion. So even if your husband tries to blame you for his anger, know that this has more to do with his inner world than with your actions. Him blaming you is probably a diversionary defense mechanism because it seems too intimidating to take responsibility for it yourself.
In my experience as a therapist, I would say that anger is the most misunderstood emotion. Think of it this way: if we were to give every emotion a role, anger plays the role of protector. In the sense that it only comes out when you feel threatened by something. Furthermore, anger is a masking emotion, meaning that it does not come alone but usually hides or protects another emotion behind it. For example: sadness, insecurity, dishonesty, guilt, shame, etc. Hopefully, this gives you some insight into your husband’s psyche.
Being in a relationship with someone who is constantly angry can be very overwhelming. It is important that you remember not to take it personally, not to blame yourself for it, and to do everything you can to maintain your own emotional well-being. Here are a few other things that may help:
If possible, start a discussion about this pattern of anger and guilt and the feelings it makes you feel. Do this, of course, when neither of you is stressed or in a bad mood. Remember not to blame yourself or accept the blame back. If you feel like the argument is escalating, it’s okay to leave it and walk away before things get out of hand.
During the first conversations, it can be helpful to simply listen to your partner when he or she is feeling vulnerable. Keep reminding yourself not to take their anger personally. When a person is able to express the pain he or she feels and have it acknowledged by someone, the anger covering that pain automatically decreases. That’s why it’s important that you let your husband express himself without judgment.
Identify which needs of yours are not being met, act accordingly and strengthen their boundaries. For example, in this situation, your need for respect would be violated. Therefore, the boundary might look something like this: “We both know that blaming me alone for this is unfair and that it makes me feel hurt. Let’s talk about this again when we’re both feeling better.’ You don’t have to accept disrespect, and you don’t have to return it with more disrespect.
Think about the reasons behind his anger. Is there a loss he is dealing with? Is there a dysfunctional family dynamic? There is a good chance that his anger will shift from its origin to you or someone else.
Seek support from loved ones and friends, and take care of yourself. This can be emotionally and mentally draining for you.
Consider contacting a therapist when the situation seems too overwhelming to handle alone and you are concerned about your safety. Persistent experiences of anger can very easily turn into aggression, so don’t downplay or discredit any fears you feel about your safety and well-being.
Frequently Asked Questions
Dealing with someone who is angry almost all the time can be challenging and tiring. The most important thing here is that you take care of yourself by meeting your needs, setting boundaries, and seeking support.
Here are a few steps to deal with an angry husband:
1. Do your best to stay calm when he is angry. Often angry people deliberately say hurtful things to incite the other person, and then it becomes a competition to see who can hurt who more. Don’t fall into that trap. If you feel triggered, step away and come back to it when you are calmer.
2. Listen actively and without judgment when your husband expresses his feelings. Validate what he’s feeling through statements like, “I understand why that would upset you.”
3. Set firm boundaries and enforce them. Initially, you will need to imitate a healthy way of communicating with your man before he follows suit. Disagreements can be resolved in a calm manner.
4. Encourage taking time-outs when one or both of you feel overwhelmed, and come back to the topic when you are both in a better place mentally.
5. Consider seeking professional help from a therapist or relationship counselor.
There could be several reasons for your husband’s anger, and even if it is directed at you, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s because of something you did. Here are a few possible reasons:
1. Your husband may be experiencing stress or pressure from work, financial problems, or other life problems, leading to increased irritability and lashing out.
2. Poor communication or unresolved conflict in the relationship can contribute to misunderstandings and frustration, which can lead to mean or hurtful behavior.
3. Your husband may be dealing with unresolved emotions, such as anger, resentment, or insecurity, which he is projecting onto you through mean behavior.
4. Negative experiences or traumas from your husband’s past, such as child abuse or previous failed relationships, can influence his behavior and interpersonal dynamics in the present.
5. Your husband may not have effective coping skills to deal with stress, conflict, or strong emotions, resulting in mean or aggressive behavior as a maladaptive response.
7. If there is an imbalance of power or control within the relationship, your man may resort to mean behavior as a way to assert dominance or maintain control.
8. External factors such as substance abuse, peer influences, or societal norms can also play a role in shaping your husband’s behavior toward you.
Remember, you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change, and it shouldn’t be your responsibility. With that in mind, here’s what you can do:
1. Create and amplify healthy boundaries, along with indulging in self-care. This can be incredibly painful for you, so you need to do a little extra to take care of yourself.
2. Seek support from friends and family, or even a mental health professional, who can help you get through this overwhelming situation.
3. Address your husband’s behavior and hold him accountable to act in a better way. Make sure you don’t throw blame around, but instead express how you feel.
4. Encourage open communication so he can explore and express what’s really bothering him, rather than shifting his anger from one thing to another.
5. Prioritize your safety and well-being and consider your options. It is not your responsibility to ensure that your man learns a healthier way to deal with his emotions.
6. Consider seeking professional help from a therapist to deal with the consequences of his behavior. Or a couple counselor, who can help both of you establish healthier communication channels and get to the root of problems in the marriage.
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