Before You Give Advice, You Need to Know this:

Over dinner, a friend of mine, Kate, shared her feelings of disappointment when a man she started talking to didn’t follow through with plans as she expected. Friends at the table were quick to comment:

“What an asshole.”

“You deserve better.”

“Don’t call him back.”

With only the best intentions in their hearts, the girls just tried to support and protect their friend. However, the collective hate fest only added fuel to the fire. What initially started with Kate feeling disappointed suddenly led to her entering a state of anger and resentment. The nervous system that had been activated by the miscommunication with her husband was now in full-blown fighting mode. In this state, empathy and conscious decision-making give way to fear and anger, that take control. The overdramatization that results in the situations described above is the byproduct of bad advice, and it happens far too often.

Good intentions or not, the consequences of unsolicited, bad advice can have real, destructive consequences. Here are some things to keep in mind when giving and/or receiving advice.

1. Be selective about who you get your advice from

You know that restaurant that serves five different types of cuisines: Japanese, Vietnamese, American, Chinese and Korean food? Do you really trust that they will be great in any of the cuisines on offer? Probably not. Just as a restaurant is unlikely to be an expert in all types of international cuisines, the same goes for friends and advice. Your best friend, who has a history of making successful investment choices, can be good at giving financial advice. But that same best friend may have a history of unhealthy and toxic relationships. So while it may seem normal to go to her when you need an ear to listen, she’s probably not the best equipped to give you helpful feedback in the relationship department. It is important that you are aware of who you are asking for advice. My approach? I have specific people who are thought leaders/experts in their field from whom I seek advice. Coupled with expert opinion, I also consult my sister, who knows me best, along with a few other close friends who are emotionally healthy. Consulting with some of the right people will help provide a more holistic perspective.

2. Ask for advice before giving unsolicited advice

Your friend may be pouring his heart out to you just for an ear to listen to or a shoulder to cry on. Before you dish out your two cents, you may want to ask if the person wants to know your opinion at all. Ask yourself if you are in a position to give advice, because you may very well not be. If you’re in an unhealthy headspace or struggling with a pessimistic and judgmental outlook, that negativity will likely be a key ingredient in any advice you give. But if someone insists that you give your opinion, regardless of your emotional state, preface your feedback with a disclaimer about your possible bias.

3. Stop projecting

Without even knowing we’re doing it, we often project our own problems—our history, our wounds, our insecurities, and our egos—when we give advice. For example, maybe you’ve had a history of exes cheating on you. This trauma may have worn you down, causing you to view potential romantic partners as lying and untrustworthy. When a friend confides in you that she is uncomfortable with her boyfriend’s new, attractive coworker, your personal bias may cause you to encourage her jealousy by advising her to doubt his intentions. Even if you’re only trying to help, the fact that you can’t help but subconsciously project will ultimately cause more harm than good. When someone asks me for advice that I can’t give, I answer honestly: “I don’t have enough expertise or experience in this area to give you any useful insight.”

In conclusion: giving and receiving advice can be difficult. Be selective about who you get your advice from. And if you’re going to give advice, first make sure it’s wanted, and second, be aware of your own biases and projections.