4 Tips To Create Healthy Relationship Patterns

Whether you are a member of the 5 million Canadians who have suddenly found themselves single during the pandemic, or are in a good relationship, one thing is certain: healthy relationship patterns are difficult to form, and our patterns follow us wherever we go.

Our patterns, from who we choose as romantic partners to the way we handle conflict, are deeply rooted in our patterns and subconscious beliefs. The good news is that thanks to neuroplasticity we can change the old habits that no longer serve us.

Stop letting your ex take up real estate in your mind and heart

If you are still blaming, analyzing, or hoping to change your ex, you are still in a relationship with him or her. The emotional charge keeps you hooked. Sometimes we hold on to the pain because it is the last thing part of the relationship we left. Let it go. Create space for the new energy to come in.

While this may sound easier said than done, the first step is to catch yourself when you’re about to talk about your ex, or when you’re in a rumination spiral. Do something that brings you back to the present moment. It may help to make a change of state, such as doing jumping jacks for a few minutes, or shaking your body or putting your hands in cold water. Then change the focus subject. If you’re with a friend, talk about a project or something that makes you happy. When you are alone, you can look around and list everything you are grateful for and why. This will help your mind change its train of thought. It will take some practice at first, but by promising yourself that you will stop talking about your ex and let him or her take over the precious real estate in your mind and heart, you will find it gets easier and easier. .

Try this self-soothing hack

You texted 5 hours ago and still haven’t heard anything. The fear begins to intensify. While not hearing from your new friend isn’t necessarily a threat to your survival, your body thinks it is. When you are confronted with extreme emotions, your body is flooded with cortisol and adrenaline. Your body prepares for fight/flight and blood flow rushes to the body’s major muscles to prepare you for action. Instead of absorbing the energy, try shaking your entire body for a few minutes to metabolize the excess stress chemicals. Then take long, deep breaths to calm your nervous system. Make sure your exhalations are longer than your inhales.

Learn how to become more securely attached

Attachment theory suggests that by age 2 we develop an attachment style that determines how we interact romantically as adults. There are three main attachment styles: secure, avoidant, and anxious. Securely attached people are not afraid of intimacy and are not codependent. Avoidants unconsciously suppress their attachment system and tend to undermine intimacy when someone gets too close. Anxiously attached have a deep-seated fear of abandonment and rejection. When they perceive a threat to their connection, they cannot calm down until they are assured that the bond is safe. Being aware of your attachment style is the first step, and the second is learning tools to become more secure. You can have one free attachment styles quiz by signing up for the Renew newsletter.

Courtship is a waltz, not Zumba

If you have been codependent in relationships in the past or deal with an anxious attachment style, you probably rush into relationships. Going slow and playing in the gray area causes anxiety and causes you to either put your foot on the accelerator or self-sabotage. If this resonates, it’s important that you learn the art of it matching.

The matching approach requires you to give a little, receive a little, and ultimately both people invest and value each other in a natural rhythm and flow.

The courtship process is a dance. You take a step and the other person takes a step. It is a gradual building of understanding and connection. When I say dance, think waltz, not Zumba. There’s a sequence of steps that escalate into vulnerability and commitment and you take one step, see how it feels, take stock of how your new romantic interest is manifesting, and if the circumstances feel positive, then move on.

Matching means taking the time and space to bring a spark to a flame. It means that when you initiate, you also give space and time for the other person to initiate. It means not revealing your deepest, darkest secrets on the first date, and letting trust build before crafting a tell-all memoir. It means that if you’ve sent a text and don’t hear back, don’t quickly send five more texts and escalate your emoji game.

If you want to learn the tools to become more secure in your attachment and create healthier relationship patterns, check out the workshops offered at Extend Breakup Bootcamp.