Why does my girlfriend hate me?

Juhi and I have been together for 6 years. Yet we argue with each other every day. We argue about little things like food preferences or even what to watch on TV. And sometimes we argue about important things, like her helping her friends and family financially, even though we’re both saving money for our personal lives and dreams. Although we love each other, I sometimes feel like there is a growing emotional distance between the two of us. Sometimes, when we argue, it feels like she wants to hurt me. She says she’ll poke at things she knows I’m sensitive to. These arguments also affect our intimacy levels, and sometimes I feel like we don’t even trust each other. How can I make my girlfriend love me again? I just want things to be the way they used to be. The arguments are not only becoming an emotional distress for both of us; they are now spreading to our family and loved ones. What can I do?

Answer

Constant or frequent arguments in a relationship detract from the connection and safety that partners experience with each other. It not only increases your stress but also prolongs the experience of sucking away emotions such as disappointment, anger, sadness, etc. Naturally, this lack of safety, connection and shared positive emotions leads to distance in the relationship.

A few things to keep in mind when dealing with conflict:

1. Partners often get caught up in proving that one is right and the other is wrong. It is important to remember that this is not an objectively true experience. Although both you and your partner may have experienced the same event, your experience and understanding of that event will be unique and may be diametrically opposed. Repeat to yourself: two things can be true at the same time.
2. Many of these arguments can seem like they are happening over small, meaningless things. If it feels like the reaction to a certain situation is an overreaction, it’s safe to assume that the real problem is not what it seems on the surface. A couple arguing about the correct way to cook rice is not really arguing about the rice, but about the feeling each experiences that the other is not validating their experience. Pay attention to the underlying problem. What is this discussion actually about?
3. Couples often keep a scoreboard of fights they have “won,” where one partner was proven right while the other was excused. If you want a healthy, loving relationship, throw this scoreboard out the window. What is more important: your relationship or being right?
4. Notice the patterns in your conflict. Often, your partner will do something that really triggers you, and vice versa. Once you start noticing them, trace them back to their origins. Chances are, you are projecting how you felt then onto the current situation. It helps to ask, “What about my partner makes me react this way?”

A few general tips that may help:

1. You need to balance negative interactions with your partner with positive ones. Make an effort to spend quality time together.
2. Normalize taking time out for worsening conversations, but don’t forget to promise to bring up the topic again when you’ve calmed down. Don’t make your partner feel abandoned in the middle of a conflict.
3. Remember that it is both of you versus the problem, not you versus your partner.
4. Don’t be disrespectful or criticize your partner in front of others. Such humiliation tactics may temporarily stroke your ego, but are disastrous for your relationship. Imagine how deeply hurt and betrayed it would feel to know that someone you love has bad-mouthed you.
5. Criticism is often a disguised wish. We criticize things when we wish they were different. Pay attention to the wish you are trying to convey, change your words accordingly and say it. It makes a world of difference.

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