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Why great women choose people who treats them badly? Who chooses good women the wrong men? Smart, successful, loving individuals – who give 110% to a partner who in return is half-acquired, part-time, or unavailable.
Can you relate to having relationships where you only get breadcrumbs? You know, just enough so that you never starve, but never enough to feel full.
But even though you know on a logical level that the person is not right for you, you continue to make justifications and excuses over and over again. You stay. You try harder. You are addicted.
Why does this happen? I’m here to tell you that there is nothing wrong with you. You are not a broken person who needs to be fixed. but maybe you’re choosing the wrong men. There’s some basic psychology at play, and the more you learn about the inner workings of the mind, the more you learn better choices you will make.
The more you invest, the more you invest
When you don’t understand love and attention you want, it may seem normal to give more. You invest more, but find that with each attempt to establish/repair the connection, you feel even more disappointed, exhausted, and unimportant. This is what psychologist Dr. Jeremy Nicholson mentions the principle of “sunk costs”.
“By doing favors for others and treating them well, we come to appreciate and love them… They do all the ‘doing’. They are the ones who wait for their partner, doing good deeds, buying presents, etc. This gives them a lot of love (sunk costs) for their date or partner. But their partner hasn’t invested. They didn’t give anything. So they are not in love or committed at all.
Before you do anything else – whether that’s cooking your love dinner, buying a gift, adjusting your schedule to make it easier for them to see you – ask yourself what your true intention is. Do you give without expecting anything in return? Do you keep score? Or is there a part of your giving that is rooted in the hope of earning attention or affirmation in return? If there isn’t a foundation of love, respect, and commitment in the person you’re dating, giving more and doing nice things won’t make him or her love you more. It will only lead to you becoming more and more attached.
2. “We accept the love we think we deserve.” – The benefits of being a wallflower
Maybe you had an unstable parental figure in your life growing up, or your first relationship was one that left you hurt and feeling rejected. You may choose relationships that repeat the problems of unavailability, injury, or abandonment that were known in your earliest relationship with your primary caregiver(s). In a sense, you seek comfort in that familiar scenario – even if it is a scenario full of fear. These are attraction of hardshipand it is possible that it stems from your childhood.
The problem is that the longer you continue the cycle, the more your self-esteem erodes, making it increasingly difficult to remove yourself from the pleasure-pain pattern of unhealthy relationships.
A few years ago I started dating a man who started by courting me with a fit of intensity. When I finally started to open up to him, he was distant and indifferent. He was one of those wrong men! It was clear that he was emotionally unavailable to me. With the power dynamic switched, my natural response was to chase – try harder, initiate more and hang around hoping he would turn around.
Through all the self-work I’ve done, I’ve learned that recognize the signs of an unhealthy dynamic. I admit, I felt attracted and longed for one connection with a man which was not available. But what’s different now is my answer: I can choose not to deal with it. I can see that I am worth more and that I don’t have to chase someone Who likes me just a little, but not enough. And this is the decision that begins to break the unhealthy cycle.
Don’t let chemistry cloud your ability to remember your value. The moment you accept less than you are worth, you will get less. The moment you tolerate disrespect and contempt, you are setting a precedent and bringing in the wrong men.
It’s chemical
Dr. Larry Young, director of Translational Social Neuroscience, notes that experiencing the loss of a partner – such as divorce or death – is similar to an addict’s craving for drugs. One study showed that voles separated from their vole partners exhibited high levels of a stress chemical, corticosterone, and experienced overwhelming anxiety as a result of losing their partner. The voles are prompted to go “home” to their mates, because only then can the oxytocin (the feel-good hormone associated with pair bonding) help alleviate the anxiety that caused the separation.
Dr. Young argues that voles’ behavior is similar to that of humans: they return not because they are positively motivated to be with their partners, but because they want the misery of separation to end.
“We have this normal together, whatever that normal is. And the bad feeling forces you to come back.” He points out both men And women those who have been verbally or physically abused often refuse to leave these relationships, just as drug addicts cannot leave their relationships with drugs. They are chemically addicted. Then, “They rationalize their choice to stay by focusing on the positive qualities their partner may possess.” Sounds familiar?
I truly believe that if it doesn’t work out with someone right now (if you choose the wrong men), it’s because it’s meant to work out with someone else in the future. But you can’t leave it all to fate. There is also work to be done on your part. Every relationship that comes into your life provides a lesson to learn. If you don’t learn that lesson and evolve, you will only face the same problems in any subsequent relationship. If you want to avoid spending a lifetime dating the wrong people, you need to be aware of the old wounds you need to heal and take action to stop destructive habits and patterns.
The healthier you become inside, the healthier the people you will attract and be attracted to.
Would you like to learn more about how to change old relationship patterns and create healthy relationships? Then join me Live 2-hour workshop on Sunday April 25 where I guide you step by step on how to become more secure in your attachment, how to manage emotions and our responses to pain create healthy relationships. Buy your ticket here.
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