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My husband of 15 years had an affair with someone from his office. It lasted two months, and I only found out when I checked his phone. He said he ended it, and it was a mistake. But I don’t know if I believe him. Cheating is a choice and does not just happen. However, we have built a whole life together. We have 2 children, a son aged 12 and a daughter aged 10. We have also shared some very happy times together. Should you forgive a cheater? I’m not even sure where to start. Part of me wants to know every detail, but every time he tells me about it, it breaks my heart. I can’t let him touch me without thinking about how he did the same thing to her. Is it even possible to move past this? Please tell me how to forgive my husband for his cheating. Sometimes I feel like I deserve better, and I want to end the marriage. But other times I realize that we have spent many wonderful years together, and we shouldn’t throw them away just because of one affair. My husband says he is willing to do anything to solve the problems.
Answer:
Cheating is a painful experience to navigate, and while many couples choose to break up afterward, some manage to come out stronger than before. In your case, there are a few things to consider to help you make a decision:
- Your husband’s ability and willingness to take responsibility for his actions. He must acknowledge what he has done, not dismiss it as a mistake, and not blame it on anything else.
- Making a relationship work after cheating requires a lot of effort from both partners. You will have to acknowledge all the other problems in your marriage and also take accountability for the role you played in them. This obviously requires honest and vulnerable communication. Is that something you are willing to do?
- Remember, there really isn’t a right or wrong choice here. Just make a choice that feels right for you.
- I would highly recommend speaking to a marriage therapist/counselor due to the nature and complexity of your relationship. A professional can help you through communication and trust-building exercises, helping you understand where you both stand in terms of commitment to change and where to go from there. A professional can provide an unbiased, mediating view of the problems in your marriage.
- Consider personal counseling or therapy for yourself to help you figure out what you want to do, your reasoning behind it, and what you need right now to be okay and make your marriage work.
- Don’t hesitate to express your needs to your man, whether it’s for space and time, reassurance, etc.
- Set expectations and boundaries with your husband about what you both need in the marriage and see if the other person can provide you with what you need.
- Seek emotional and practical support from people you trust to have your best interests at heart.
As for forgiving him, forgiveness is a personal choice. One that you cannot be forced to do. Whether you should forgive him or not is entirely your decision. However, before you make a decision, make sure you know for sure “why” you are choosing to forgive him. To forgive him, expect him to:
- Acknowledge the pain he has caused and be sincerely apologetic and willing to make amends
- It takes some time to process and digest all this. Be patient with yourself and don’t rush yourself into feeling a certain type of emotion.
- You need to let go of the grudges you may be holding on to from the past and the current event. This will take some time, so don’t try to rush it.
Frequently Asked Questions
Yes, that’s possible. However, forgiveness is a personal choice, and it often requires a lot of reassurance and security in a relationship to be able to forgive your man for his cheating.
Whether you should trust him again or not is your decision based on the history of your relationship and how you feel about the entire event and him as a person. It is important that you remain authentic to your emotions.
Your husband will also have to make an effort to restore this trust together. Remember, it’s a shared responsibility, which means both partners have to put in the effort to make it work
Your decision to stay or go should take into account:
1. Your feelings about this and whether you think you can trust him again
2. How willing are you to do your best to make this marriage work?
3. Does your husband sincerely apologize?
4. Is your husband willing and able to provide you with what you need to overcome this?
5. Also take practical matters into account, such as finances, housing and your children. To better understand your options, it is best to consult an attorney.
6. Get help from your support system or a mental health professional.
A relationship can recover from cheating. However, it does not return to what it was before the infidelity. Rather, the patterns of interaction and communication between the partner change.
Couples who overcome cheating come out stronger on the other side because of the joint effort to repair their relationship, maintain healthy communication, and strengthen trust and friendship.
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