My husband cheated on me with a man

My husband cheated on me with a man, and I just don’t know how to react. You hear about married men cheating with women, but catching my husband cheating with another man? It feels like a double whammy. I found the text messages on his phone. He swears it was a one-off, a stupid mistake, fueled by work stress, and that he felt disconnected from me. Part of me wants to believe him, for our daughter’s sake. But the other part feels so betrayed, like everything I thought I knew about him and our marriage is a lie.

Does this mean he’s gay? Or is he just bisexual? I can’t believe I never knew he was attracted to men. If he was hiding this huge thing from me, I wonder what else I don’t know about him. How can I even think about staying with him after this? It somehow feels like a worse form of cheating. My daughter is my biggest concern. How do I handle this situation with the least damage to her?

Answer:

Cheating in and of itself is devastating and painful. Your question about your husband’s sexuality complicates matters even more because it can feel like you never really knew him. Just seeing those text messages on his phone can be traumatizing in itself.
It would be best if you could search for marriage advice for both of you, because different nuances can be discovered that can only be done on an individual basis. Marriage counseling can also help you figure out what you need or want to do next.
In addition to seeking professional help, there are a few things to keep in mind:

• Indulge in self-care. This news must have shocked you deeply, and it would, of course, be very hurtful. In such cases, it becomes important to prioritize your mental and emotional well-being. You can do this by: making sure you take good care of your food and sleep (as much as possible); seeking support from someone you trust not to judge; and allowing yourself to feel your emotions.
• Remind yourself that there is no right or wrong way to feel. Your feelings are valid.
• It would be best to set some boundaries so you can process this enough to think further. Whether that is space and time away from your husband or reassurance from him,.
• Also consider personal therapy if you are married; accompaniment is not an option, because therapy can help you process and organize these complex emotions. It can also help you deal with the new uncertainty surrounding you and your daughter’s future.
• Make sure you don’t blame yourself for this. There may have been some problems in your marriage prior to the cheating, but these are by no means an excuse for such behavior.

There are many couples who choose to stay together, work things out after infidelity, and come out stronger on the other side. The couples who make it out have strong reasons for it: they love each other, they love their families, and they are good friends. Reasons based on guilt and shame usually do not preserve the marriage and ultimately lead to resentment. Keeping the marriage together also requires quite a bit of effort from both partners to rebuild trust and friendship in the relationship.

So, instead of wondering what to do, ask yourself if you have what it takes to rebuild your marriage and whether your husband can provide what you need to make this marriage work. Conversely, it is also important to determine whether you can provide what he needs.

Your concern for your daughter is justified and completely understandable. While it is not right or possible to completely hide the fact that there are problems between her parents, you can take care of a few things to ensure her well-being through this challenging behavior.

• Encourage open communication by letting your daughter know that you want to create a safe space for her and that she can ask you any questions she has. Children are often more intelligent and observant than we give them credit for. Your daughter may have her own questions and concerns and needs a safe place to express herself with her parents.
• Keep in mind that you should provide an age-appropriate explanation and don’t give her too many details that could cloud her understanding. Open communication doesn’t mean you have to share every detail with her. Just what she needs to know.
• Make sure you reassure her that no matter what happens between the parents, you and your husband both love her very much. It is important for your daughter to present a united front. One thing you would have in common with your husband is your concern for your daughter’s well-being. Children often blame themselves for their parents’ problems.
• Try to provide her with as much stability in the routine as possible. If her routine is uprooted for any reason, make sure she gets enough attention and support from you, other family members, and even her school.
• Take care of yourself so you can be emotionally available to take care of your daughter. If you are feeling emotionally down, it will reflect on your child, and she has done nothing to deserve that. So if it’s hard to take care of yourself, do it for your daughter.
• If you are still concerned, consider making an appointment with a child psychologist to meet your daughter’s emotional and psychological needs.

Frequently Asked Questions