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Do you think you’re really connected, but now all of a sudden it’s over, and you don’t even know what happened? It went so well! How can someone’s feelings change so quickly?
Unfortunately, it can be as simple as a mispronunciation. We see this happening everywhere in today’s “cancel culture”. Often, it seems unfair. But the reality is that our thoughts create our feelings. Our thoughts also shape our perception. Our perception is our reality, so if something you say paints an image of you as “undesirable,” it can be very difficult to change people’s perception of you, especially if you didn’t even realize what you said.
Community is a must
I have consistently said that commonality is what makes relationships last a long time. That doesn’t just mean that you like to do the same things; it also means that you have the same ethics, values, and goals. If you said something that showed a philosophy that doesn’t match your partner’s, then that could have been the deal-breaker.
In my video above, I tell the story of a very attractive man I met on Tinder several years ago when I visited my brother’s beach house in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware, which has a large gay-friendly population. He was divorced with two younger children and seemed like a very interesting and nice man. Until he told me he didn’t care about all the “gays” in his town. I asked him why he chose to live there if it bothered him, and he said he had always lived there and that he grew up there. That bothered me even more because he was in his late forties. To me, that meant that all his life he had hated a group of people he didn’t even know.
He tried to defend his opinion based on his Christian religion (again, his choice). I have many Christian friends who fully support gay relationships, even gay marriage. I will never understand how you can consider yourself a good Christian if you have no tolerance for anyone who thinks differently than you. I told him that my brother is gay and married, and that they have been together for over 25 years. My gay brother has a more successful relationship than most straight men I know. This man’s closed-mindedness was a deal-breaker for me. But he couldn’t understand why.
He kept calling and asking me out. I told him why I didn’t think we were right for each other. He said that wasn’t that important to him. I tried to make him understand that it was very important to me. It doesn’t matter how great you think you are together if your partner does not agree. It always takes two.
Do I feel loved?
Moreover, the most important question to determine the quality of your relationship is: “Do I feel loved?To feel loved, your feelings have to matter. You need to feel heard, cared for, valued, and protected. So if your person trusted you and told you something very personal, make sure he/she doesn’t regret it. If you make light of it in any way, or worse yet, make a joke about it, you most likely will hurt their feelings or make them feel judged. That kind of carelessness destroys emotional intimacy. If you’ve been together for a while, it may take a while for it to really sink in, so you may not associate the breakup with your comment. But if you’d been together for less than six months and their feelings hadn’t fully developed, one comment could have really destroyed the attraction.
If that is the case, I’m sorry to tell you that he or she will never return. Do yourself a favor and don’t keep chasing her; plead your case for a second chance. If you chase something, it will flee. Appreciate yourself first!
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