How to Not Lose Your Sh*T When You Get Triggered

The things that trigger us come to light our unhealed wounds. Many of our deepest wounds stem from childhood trauma. Even with the most “perfect” parents, as children we were completely dependent, absorbing everything that happened around us without the cognitive and emotional skills to process it.

Trauma is not limited to a major catastrophic event. In many cases it can be subtle and take the form of neglect, lack of care, subtle manipulation and excessive control. This is known as ‘covert abuse’; it is unintentional, indirect and often hidden. Chronic trauma, inflicted daily and repeated for years, leaves psychological scars. The child’s brain is still developing, adapting and developing coping mechanisms to survive. These coping mechanisms follow us into adulthood.

This is why something that seems trivial – like not getting a text message back – can trigger a cascade of intense emotions and anxiety. It is usually not about that one isolated incident; the trigger brings up emotional and psychological trauma from the past.

When we are triggered, we feel the same pain as an injured child or an adaptive adolescent.

The Wounded Child (ages 0 – 5)

Feels less than (inferior), knows no boundaries, is needy.

The Adapted Adolescent (ages 6 – 18)

Feels more than (superior), has walls, is unnecessary.

Once we learn how to “parent” ourselves, we begin to respond like a functional adult, instead of regressing from the age when we responded like hurt children.

The functional adult

Feels equal to others (people are neither more nor less than), has healthy boundaries and communicates needs.

This doesn’t mean you won’t feel emotions when you are triggered, it means that through practice and self-correction you will begin to heal your inner child.

The question you should ask yourself each time you are activated is:

“How old am I right now?”

If you respond by falling into a shame hole by torturing yourself and feeling inferior, you will fall back toward your wounded child. If you respond by thinking you are superior, with a “fuck you” mentality, you will revert to being your adjusted adolescent. When you respond with clear communication, responsibility for your emotions, and healthy boundaries, you are responding like a functional adult.

Also learn to recognize when others are going backwards. There’s no point in problem-solving and fixing things when you’re dealing with an injured child. Give the upset person space to cool down so their nervous system can calm down from fight/flight mode, and then communicate like the functional, healthy adult that you are.