How to Fix Broken Boundaries

You often do feel resentment? If so, read on.

Resentment is the cumulative effect of saying yes when we mean no, not communicating our needs, feeling guilty when we do things we don’t want, and caring for others when it is detrimental to our well-being.

Like death by a thousand cuts, every crossing of the line means our surrender to agency.

These are all symptoms of a broken border system that causes us to give too much, enjoy too much, and function too much as the costs to our well-being.

How do we start repairing? First, it’s helpful to know what types of boundaries you struggle with.

Which category of boundaries do you have the most difficulty with?

Physically – Including personal space, physical touch and privacy. Violations include being denied your physical needs, being touched inappropriately, or having someone snoop on your phone.

Intellectual – Refers to thoughts and ideas. Healthy intellectual boundaries include respect for the ideas of others and an awareness of appropriate discussion. Someone who belittles your ideas or makes fun of you are examples of violations.

Emotional – Including honoring feelings and energy. When we don’t have healthy emotional boundaries, we tend to take the feelings and problems of others as our own. Transgressions include sacrificing your needs to please another and blaming others for your problems.

Sexual – Including emotional, intellectual and physical aspects of sexuality. Have mutual respect for limitations and desires between partners. Unwanted touching, pressure to perform unwanted sexual acts, or someone getting angry because you don’t want sex are examples of violations.

Material – Add money and assets. Healthy material boundaries mean setting limits on what you share and with whom. Someone borrowing your things without asking or pressuring you to lend them money are examples of violations.

Time – Requires you to understand your priorities and make enough time for different areas of your life, without overcommitting. Knowing your priorities makes it easier to limit the amount of time you spend on other people/projects. Asking for time from people or habitually being late are examples of violations.

Creating and maintaining healthy boundaries is the foundation of feeling powerful in our relationships. There are internal boundaries (the way we treat ourselves), external boundaries (the way we interact with others), and the respect we have for the boundaries of others.

A question to ask yourself is: where are you currently living out of alignment with your values? That’s a good place to start identifying the broken boundaries that need to be addressed. Remember: having a healthy boundary system is the kind thing to do because it teaches people how to interact with you.

In the next post, we’ll discuss a communication framework that can help you set and maintain boundaries with others.

Also check out my videos on this topic on my Instagram @missamychan