How often do you fight?

Fighting is normal, right? If you don’t argue, you’re just sweeping the problems under the rug, right?

Well, I can only answer yes with the HUGE caveat: how often and in what way you fight will make or break your relationship. The only winner of any argument should be your relationship. A productive struggle should yield a positive outcome where you each learn what your partner needs, and then you both agree on a better way to interact in the future. It becomes toxic when you argue a lot, when you argue about the same things without a solid solution, and especially when you are mean, judgmental, and/or critical.

A client once asked me how often it was normal to argue. If you even ask that question, the answer is probably that you argue too much. But I’m very glad you asked! If this question is answered correctly, it could save your life. At least, that’s what I hope to do with this post.

Do you know if you are being abused?

I shot the above video shortly after watching the entire police bodycam video of their interaction with Gabby Petito. It broke my heart. That sweet girl clearly loved her boyfriend and wanted to protect him. Unfortunately, I don’t believe she knew she was in an abusive relationship and that he was only interested in protecting himself. Looking at her took me back to when I was her age, when I was in a toxic relationship that almost killed me.

When you feel like you’ve found your soulmate, it’s very confusing if he isn’t loving towards you all the time. He makes you feel like it’s your fault and like you’re crazy. But your only mistake is that you don’t love yourself the most and maintain strong boundaries to protect yourself.

Do you love too much?

I completely understand wanting to believe in the good in him, desperately clinging to the hope that things will get better, and faithfully trusting that he loves you enough to turn you back into the person you are. initially fell in love with, and that he would never hurt you on purpose. But his apologies after he hurt you aren’t as good as they used to be; in fact, he doesn’t really seem to regret it. He made you behave in horrible ways that you’re ashamed of, and you’re just so confused as to what went wrong. The most important indication is that you no longer recognize yourself. You are different, but not for the better.

Signs of abuse

• Low self-esteem, but very confident. It makes them insecure and extremely controlling.
• Possessive, extremely jealous, and has a very bad temper.
• Sabotages your success, work or school.
• Demeaning and critical, puts you down and blames you for things that go wrong. To see Recognize verbal abuse
• Gets into fights with you and then acts like nothing is wrong to others, making you look crazy or overly emotional (this is what the police bodycam video of Gabby and Brian Laundrie shows)
• Acts loving and caring towards your friends and family, but tries to isolate yourself from them.
• Not respect your boundaries. Snoops through your phone, computer, and finances and tells you what to do, say and wear.

Don’t you think your relationship is that bad?

I have been coaching people in their relationships since 2007. It’s amazing how many smart, beautiful, and successful people are unaware or in denial that their loved one is toxic or abusive. I say that absolutely without judgment, and it is not a criticism. I’ve walked in the same shoes, but luckily I’m still alive to help others. Abusers can be very charming and sweet, at least at first and between fights. They are manipulative. It may seem like it’s not all that bad. I understand if you feel like you can’t leave or that your life won’t be better without him. But I promise, you’re wrong.

Relationships are easy when they are right. Many clients have called me to share how easy their new relationship is after they became strong and loved themselves enough to let go of a bad relationship. That also applied to myself. Please contact me if you are in a relationship that is not making you happy. I will help you decide if the problem can be solved or if it is better to find someone else. Sign up for coaching

More help

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence has a very informative website: https://ncadv.org/ You can visit their website safely by clicking the red “Safely Exit!” button in the bottom right corner when you’re done. Be very careful when seeking help if your partner has been physically abused and/or if you are afraid.

After shooting this video, I happened to see Gabby’s parents at The Dr. Oz Show. They have established a foundation in her name: Gabby Petito Foundation If you want to help, you can donate to help others. You can also find additional resources.