Why We Choose the Friends We Do

Have you ever met someone and been immediately attracted to him or her? It’s like you’ve been friends forever, even though you just met. The person probably feels familiar because he or she embodies many of your own qualities and, therefore, feels more like an old friend than a stranger.

There are some friendships that come together organically and require little to no maintenance. Then there are some friendships that may have started with great chemistry, but with time and experience, you realize that the person is no longer right for your life. For me, I’ve found that different stages of my life have required different types of friends along the way.

In my 20s, I was relieved to have survived the most tumultuous phase of my youth—a period marked by teenage angst, overdramatization of boy problems, and the fear of being caught using my sister’s ID to sneak into nightclubs. As a teenager, I desperately tried to develop a sense of identity. Like many girls at that age, I still hadn’t developed a strong sense of self. I focused all my attention on perfecting others’ perception of me, obsessing primarily over being popular and beautiful. Subconsciously, I fought for validation by association, hoping that being surrounded by the cool kids would make me feel accepted and important. But my twenties would mark the beginning of a new era, a decade in which my attention would shift from focusing on the outer packaging to discovering what would make me strong and beautiful from within. This included pursuing a career, giving back to the community, and determining what values ​​would be my compass as I navigated my new spiritual and professional path.

As I grew older and reached a different stage in my life, my interests began to change. I became a lot clearer about the type of person I wanted to be and the values ​​I stood for. Slowly, I grew apart from some of my old friends, became closer to others, and made room to welcome new, like-minded people into my life. I discovered that as my interests and priorities changed, so did my friends. As I became clear about my values, I knew I wanted to surround myself with people who also had a similar approach to life. Is the attraction to certain friends a matter of chance and timing? Or is there a deeper scientific and psychological influence at play? Here are a few insights I learned along the way, including understanding the 10 types of friends to avoid.

We are attracted to people who reflect our social identity

Research shows that we choose friends who we encounter regularly and who are relatively close geographically. Neighbors, co-workers, people at the gym—they’re all likely candidates for friends precisely because of their proximity and regularity. However, what makes us develop a closer bond with one person than another? It seems that vulnerability and reciprocity are important ingredients for bonding.

The transition from acquaintance to friendship is typically marked by an increase in both the breadth and depth of self-disclosure, explains sociologist and author Beverley Fehr. In the early stages of friendship, this is usually a gradual, reciprocal process. One person takes the risk of disclosing personal information and then ‘tests’ whether the other does so too.

You are the sum of the company you have

It was clear that the people I surrounded myself with had a direct effect on my energy and even my behavior. One of my best friends had the habit of complaining chronically. I noticed that every time I spent time with her, I complained and felt cynical about the world. I subconsciously mirrored her negative attitude to connect with her. But after a while, I realized that my typical cheerful self was turning into a grumpy pessimist. And I didn’t want to live like that. Then I realized that I could still love and take care of my friends and family, but that didn’t necessarily mean they automatically had to be part of my immediate peer group.

Data shows that groups of friends “infect” each other, affecting perceptions of socially acceptable behavior and standards of what is normal. For example, a pair of social scientists named Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler analyzed data from more than 12,000 people, examining the power of influence among peers. They found that smoking spread socially; in fact, the likelihood of lighting up increased by 36 percent if a friend smoked.

Not only do friends influence a person’s health, but they also influence happiness levels. Christakis and Fowler suggest that the unconscious nature of emotional mirroring means that the brain automatically mimics what we see in the faces of people around us. They also note that much of one’s own cheerful disposition comes from frequent exposure to moments of contagious happiness with others. When we regularly see other people smiling, our mood is affected because we subconsciously reflect their emotional state. According to their statistical analysis, each additional happy friend increases our happiness level by nine percent.

Be intentional about the type of people you want to attract

We spend time and energy making business plans, establishing career goals, and fantasizing about the ideal romantic partner we want to attract. However, when it comes to one of the most influential factors in our lives, our peer group, we often tend to just go with the flow. I won’t deny that many great friendships have developed organically and naturally in my life. However, I also respect the power of being intentional in all of your relationships, whether business, romantic, or platonic.

I meet people by chance, but the ones that remain in my life now are not by chance. I no longer accidentally make friends, a method that once worked when my standards for a new boyfriend mainly consisted of who would be the best wingwoman. Before, when I only had homework, weekend parties, and a part-time job to worry about, I had endless free time. Fast forward to today: I have an exponential number of responsibilities and time has become a precious resource. Just as I plan my schedule for work, exercise, and hobbies, I also prioritize time for friends. Time is a commodity, and because I have only so much time to spread across a busy and active life, I have to be mindful of how and where I spend that time. Today I am consciously working on my friendships. I am now conscious about the types of friends I want to make and keep.

Evaluate. Editing. To develop.

Just like in romantic relationships, there is chemistry between friends. Only through time and by experiencing ups and downs together do you learn whether there is compatibility with the person. And that’s what truly makes a great friend—it’s the perfect mix of chemistry and compatibility. Recognize these souls when they come into your life. Hold them. Invest in them. These are the special people who will leave footprints in your heart. Choose your tribe wisely. Be intentional about the company you keep. And while you’re at it, have the courage and intention to be a good friend to those who choose you.