A ‘Fuck Yes’ Relationship Is Not Love, by Damien Bohler

The Soulmate fantasy is anathema to real intimacy.

Do you want a real relationship? Away with that nonsense. If it’s not a “fuck yes” and it’s not a “fuck no” and you really feel like you enjoy this person and can be yourself with them… then that’s the RIGHT basis for a potential connection.

Personally, I think the idea of ​​a “fuck yes” is a big deal. Life consists entirely of mediocre, mundane and difficult tasks and experiences. Yet it is the accumulation of the mundane, such as preparing a garden bed from scratch, that leads to the blossoming of something beautiful. The initial stages, weeding, tilling the soil, fertilizing with shit… that’s actually not all that fun.

But… walking through a bountiful garden, picking flowers, fruits and vegetables… it comes from a process of small, repetitive, intentional tasks. Being insecure and not completely obsessing over it and also not finding any real warning signs is really an amazingly good start to actually having some level of authentic intimacy with another person where you, you know, learn someone over time knowing rather than its projected fantasy or anti-fantasy.

‘The one’ is an addiction that is deeply embedded in the human psyche and is perpetuated and conditioned in us by everything around us. Almost every song. Almost every movie. Almost every TV show. It’s there. Once you know what to look for, it’s like seeing the matrix. Every song an anxious lament. Every heartbreak is an evasive push.

Where are all the good men and good women? They’re probably standing right in front of you, refusing to deal the drugs that you’re so used to getting high.

You’ve read the articles about how a sentient man or woman will scare you when they appear… And yet, do you realize how that fear will manifest? Excuses, motives, reasons, minor quibbles, not having enough feelings (i.e. not being in a state of amorous emergency). It’s so ironic that availability is actually the most terrifying thing for an insecurely connected nervous system. The thing we say we want most, the thing we turn away from most. It’s quite tragic. That person can’t do the work for you. They can’t stop you from showing up and staying in if you want to run. That’s what YOU have to do.

Lean forward, even if it all says “walk away” somehow. Instead, we so often end up in that running away, that endless search for the fantasy, the one that will finally complete me, that will make me feel so high that I forget myself… that will make me fall like this. deeply in love that turns the rest of my life into chaos. Is that what you really want? I didn’t think so.

Life is too precious to destroy yourself in pursuit of a fantasy. I truly believe that the right way to cope is to move towards the unknown, the uncertainty, letting go of the need for it to be so clear so quickly, if yes or no, on or off… and instead follow and tracing, exploring, and regulating through the moment-by-moment unfolding of intimacy will lead to such incredible liberation that it doesn’t really matter whether this person ends up being my life partner or not. My life will be richer for having them in it. The gentle, consistent blossoming of intimacy itself is the reward.

Look for real intimacy, not a drug dealer.

Written by Damien Bohler – Lead Facilitator of Evolutionary relating. He has been facilitating and teaching groups in intersubjective and relational practices for over a decade.