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There is an unspoken code among friends—a code based on a set of shared values. Over the years of meeting different types of people, I’ve had friends come and go. The ones that are no longer in my life are usually the result of a misalignment of values. The older I get, the more steadfast I am about what those values and boundaries are.
You don’t have to agree with me because your values may be different from mine, and your friend code may be very different too. But I thought I would share with you some unspoken rules that my good friends and I share.
1. Don’t date a friend’s ex
There are more than seven billion people; surely there is still someone you could “fall in love” with? And maybe you would say no, and that your friend’s ex is your one and only soulmate. If that’s the case, then you have the rest of your lives to spend together, and you can certainly be sensitive to the timing of things. In other words, let some time pass so your girlfriend can heal without having to imagine her ex in tongues with her girlfriend. Does that make sense? Maybe not. But human feelings don’t make much sense, and things like that hurt.
2. Will you take sides if there is a rift?
Yes, yes, you do. If the breakup was amicable, this may not be necessary. But if the breakup was terrible and your friend was bulldozed in the process, then you are indeed taking sides. I don’t say forever, but for a while. There is a grace period after a breakup during which surrounding friends unfortunately have to be extra sensitive to the weeping heart. Sure, it’s hard, and sure, we should be able to behave like adults. But no matter how mature you are, breakups hurt and that grief doesn’t get easier with age.
A while ago, a couple I knew had broken up, and I was friends with both people. I knew that continuing the friendship with my girlfriend’s ex made her feel uncomfortable. Even though she never said it, I just knew it. I asked myself: Will this man really be in my life in ten years? Probably not. In ten years, I’m 100% sure my girlfriend will be too, and our kids will probably be playing together. It’s not worth making the friend you’ll ultimately be closer to and have in your life for the long term just for a temporary friendship with the ex.
3. Don’t be cheap and calculating
Friendship is not about tit for tat. If you put your energy into constantly monitoring who is paying for what, who has done more for whom, etc., you are blocking the flow of the friendship. And you start to resent it when you feel like you’re not getting enough in return. Friendship is a long-term investment. In the grand scheme of things, all the give-and-take (whether it’s who pays, who listens, who drives, etc.) eventually balances out, in one form or another. If you feel like you need to balance things out, ask yourself if the friend is someone you really want in your life and if his or her values align with yours.
4. Don’t be a drama queen
Gossip, assumptions, talking behind someone’s back—that’s the kind of drama that benefits high school friendships, not adult ones. Adult friendships aren’t meant to provide the same things that teenage friendships once did. Teen friendships are filled with intense conversations where you begin to create the person you want to be. It’s about memories in Cancun and two-hour phone conversations about the weekend. Those things are great at that age.
Adult lives are already filled with enough drama and hard work, and that work only triples when you have a family. Friendships in your adult years shouldn’t require grueling hard work. They are meant to be light, positive, supportive and nurturing. They should complement the life you have created, not create conflict within it. Healthy adult friendships also handle conflict differently. Instead of sitting around for months or making passive-aggressive comments here and there, remove the assumptions, have a frank conversation about the issue that’s really bothering you, and be done with it.
5. Don’t go MIA when you have a new love interest
New lust/love is definitely a magical part of a new relationship. But just because you have someone new in your life, don’t forget about your group of friends, who were your biggest cheerleaders before Mr. Right came by. Your friends are not ‘fillers’ for the times when you are single. Invest in your friends because most of them will be around for the long term. Your newest Mr. Unfortunately, that may not be right. It’s not fair to cancel plans or not make time to see your friends and then expect them to nurse you back to health during your fights or breakups. Plus, balance is essential in a healthy romantic relationship, so it’s much better for your own relationship to catch up with your friends on a regular basis.
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No one is perfect, and it’s human to make mistakes here and there in your friendships. Once you build a foundation of trust, consistency, and support in your friendships, mistakes are a lot easier to forgive, forget, and move on. Furthermore, even the best of friends may not be so aware when they cross a line. That’s why it’s important to give the benefit of the doubt to the friends you really care about and have a candid conversation with that person if you feel like a line has been crossed. But if you feel like your boundaries are constantly being violated or disrespected, it could be a sign of a difference in values and that it’s time to take a break from that friend (for a period of time or indefinitely). time).
Would you like to check if your decision is one that will harm or damage your friendship? Ask yourself how you would feel if a friend treated you the same way. If you would be upset if the tables were turned, that’s a good indicator of whether your behavior is crossing a line.
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#Honor #Friendship