5 Signs You’re Being Love Bombed By Your Partner

It was straight out of a fairy tale.

Flowers. Fancy dinners. Statements about how special our connection was.

I was in heaven. Sold. I participate. All inclusive.

Until the messages became less frequent,. Then the effort to make plans began to wane.

I found myself crawling out of my skin, waiting with bated breath for him to return my texts, to see me, and to show me that he still cared. I started replaying our interactions when I did something wrong.

Maybe I showed too much interest? Maybe I’ve been texting too much? Was it my outfit from the last date? It must be me.

After two weeks of being completely anxious, I decided that it had to be over and that I would take my chance with Mr. Perfect. It was time to move on. I stopped texting or trying to have a conversation.

And right as I started to pull away, guess who came back in full force?

It was as if no time had passed. He was back and wanted to see me. He showered me with sweet messages about how happy I made him and how much he missed me.

I was on cloud nine again.

Until this hot/cold cycle was repeated 7 more times. I recognize it now: I was bombarded by love.

What is love bombing?

Love bombing is the use of excessive affection, grand gestures, and promises for the future as a manipulation tactic. But the moment you feel high from all the love and attention, a period of withdrawal, avoidance, or abuse follows. You then wonder what you did wrong, or you become obsessed with getting that old feeling back.

Love bombing is used by narcissists, who feed off your validation. Once they get their fix—attention, sex, affection, resources—whatever they are starving for, they become cold, distant, or even mean.

Signs you’re being bombarded by love

1. It’s not about the authentic connection, but about getting something from you.

Love bombers use their romantic targets to give them validation and attention and to gain power over them. The difference between healthy romantic overtures and love bombing is that the latter is used as a manipulation tactic. The intention is to exercise and maintain control and power over you.

2. It’s not love at first sight; it is projection at first sight.

During the first few dates, it’s impossible for anyone to know you enough. The whole point of dating is to build trust and connection over time and experience. There is no shortcut to that. Someone who barely knows you and makes statements about how you are the one, or who makes big promises about your future together, is a red flag.

3. They are hot and cold.

They come across as powerful, often with grand gestures such as lavish gifts, fancy dinners and romantic words. But then they get cold, daily communication decreases and sometimes they disappear completely. Then, right when you’re about to give up, they come back strong to pull you back into the cycle of intensity.

4. They treat you like a ‘conquest’.

I talk about the concept of “conquer” in my book Breakup Bootcamp. I came up with this theory to describe when someone has a plan in their head—maybe it’s to get a trophy partner, or they really want to get married at X age. They meet you, and if you check enough boxes, they sign you into their plan. You become a means to an end. In doing so, they dehumanize you because you are an object they put into their master plan. It is not about connecting; it is about getting to know you as a person—mistakes and shortcomings included.

How to stop love bombing

1. Use boundaries to stop love bombing.

If you’re in the beginning of a relationship and you notice that they’re coming on very strong with the romantic overtures, don’t just respond to the pace they set. Have a conversation to let them know you want to slow things down and get to know each other over time. If the person is invested in creating a healthy bond, he or she won’t try to impose or pressure you into it.

2. Don’t make them the center of your world (and planning) until trust is built.

Don’t cancel your friends. Don’t change your schedule to see them. If you don’t have a schedule of doing things that make you feel connected and grounded, you’ll be more sensitive to filling the empty spaces with your new love interest. Instead of seeing someone on a healthy schedule, you start seeing them 5 times a week. Before you know it, you are consumed with everything related to your loved one.

3. Don’t outsource your validation to this person (or any romantic partner).

Yes, it feels great when someone watches you and makes you feel special, especially when it seems like they are choosing themselves from all other options. The hunger to feel special and gain a sense of self-worth is candy to a narcissist.