I cheated on my boyfriend. How do I fix it?

I made a stupid mistake. My boyfriend and I have been arguing a lot lately over the smallest things. We’re both stubborn people, so it feels like every little disagreement turns into something big. After one of our particularly bad fights, I went out with my friends. I met this man, and we ended up sleeping together. I never thought it was possible that I was cheating on my boyfriend because I have been faithful in every relationship in the past. I still love him, and I know I want to be with him. But can you love someone and still cheat? Does my cheating mean that maybe subconsciously I don’t love him? It was just that night; it felt so good to just have a good time. I didn’t worry about avoiding topics or saying the wrong thing; it was just easy and simple. I didn’t even like that guy that much, and I will never talk to him again, but I don’t know what to do now. How can I repair my relationship after infidelity?? Despite all our fights, I still think what I have with my boyfriend is special. Can our relationship return to normal after cheating?

Answer:

This will undoubtedly be a very hurtful situation for both of you, and it will be difficult to navigate. The most important thing is to confess it to him, because that is something he deserves to know. It won’t be easy, but you owe him honesty out of respect for him and your relationship. Cheating doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t love your partner. Cheating is often more complex than it seems, usually involving some pre-existing issues in the relationship, unconscious resentment towards the partner, and trying to fulfill a need that the relationship may not have met for you.

Here are a few things that can help you and your partner overcome this.

1. Take responsibility
   The two most important things that help couples overcome infidelity are: trust and responsibility. You need to be in a position where you can acknowledge your mistake without blaming anyone or anything else and take responsibility for your actions.
2. Underlying problems
   Cheating is rarely as simple as it seems and there are usually other issues plaguing the relationship. In your case, it would have been the frequent fighting that would have led to emotional distance, alienation and resentment on both sides. Only when your needs are not being met in your relationship—emotionally, intellectually, and physically—will you seek them outside your relationship. Try to identify what needs of yours were not being met and what you can do about them. Remember, this may be an explanation for what happened, not an excuse.
3. Be open and receptive
   Listen to his feelings and give him the time he needs to process this. Remember that his emotional experience is valid, whether it is anger, sadness, disbelief, etc. Try to establish open and honest communication in which you can both share your feelings, needs and expectations. Be willing to accept your partner’s needs and wants.
4. The restoration of trust
   If your partner is willing to stay and working on the relationship, it takes your commitment to make it work. On your end, providing reassurance through words and actions is critical to rebuilding trust in the relationship. Commit to making changes in the relationship when you are ready. Consider couples therapy if you are both willing to make it work. A therapist can help you navigate communication, building trust, and forgiveness in a healthier way.
5. Check in with yourself
   Don’t try to make this relationship work solely from a place of guilt. Ask yourself what you need and whether you think you are able and willing to do what it takes to make this relationship work. Take time to reflect on yourself and notice any problems or self-sabotaging patterns that may have led you here.
6. Be patient
   With yourself and with your partner. This will be a difficult process for both of you to overcome, and shaming or blaming yourself or each other will not help.

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