5 Lessons on Love – Heart Hackers Club

Every birthday I take time to reflect on the past year – my achievements, hardships and most importantly, the lessons I have learned. Through all the mistakes and observations I made in my twenties, I learned many lessons that I can now take with me in my thirties…

1. Love yourself first, the rest will follow

I was absolutely boy crazy in my teens and early twenties. On the outside it seemed like I was a girl who just wanted to have fun, but deep down I just wanted to feeling loved and acceptedD. As a child, I never got much attention from my busy, working father – and I subconsciously wanted to fill a void. I hoped to feel validation and love from a man, thinking that the attention would make me feel special and more “whole.” So I attracted men who, like me, seemed confident on the outside but were brutally insecure on the inside.

I learned that if I didn’t work on loving myself and getting healthy, I would continue to attract people who were unhealthy. Because two people who don’t love themselves first can’t magically create a healthy relationship as a union. And if you don’t love yourself first and foremost, you’ll end up pursuing the wrong things to act as a substitute. I stopped pointing fingers and claiming that men were just “assholes” and instead looked inward. If I wanted to meet the “right one,” I would have to be the “right one” first.

2. The profile of a seasonal boyfriend is very different from that of a lifelong partner

When you are young and naive when it comes to love, you care a lot about the superficial things. The success of the relationship is based on the butterflies you feel and how hot the sex is. Sure, these things are great, but they are not the ingredients that make up a serious, lifelong partner. My ‘checklist’ for an ideal boyfriend is very different now in my thirties than it was in my twenties.

This was my boyfriend’s checklist when I was in my 20s:
He’s hot
He wears designer jeans
He is popular and always the center of attention
He makes me feel butterflies
He has a job
He exudes cool and has a bad boy sexiness
*Bonuses: He has a nice car, he’s a party promoter or DJ

This is now my checklist:
He is honest and honest
He is self-confident and does not feel the need to ‘prove’ himself
He has good family values
He is a good communicator
He doesn’t use any substances
He has a career
He makes me feel safe
*Bonuses: He has a full head of hair, owns property, and has basic housekeeping skills

3. Your heart will be broken, and you will survive

I have experienced so many different types of heartache. Some men brought out the worst insecurities in me. Some made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. Some loved me and left me. And first of all, my heart broke into a million pieces – to a point where I thought I could never put myself back together. I felt like I was going under after that last heartbreak, and there were many moments of complete emotional irrationality where I thought I wouldn’t make it. Depression loomed over me and I felt like I was losing complete control. But fast forward five months to today, and I can proudly say that I am putting myself back together with grace and reflection. I have survived the worst and I know the future will only get brighter.

Heartbreak sucks. They really do. They are unfair, unjust and often unpredictable. But they do teach you a lot about yourself, about what you want, and above all, what you don’t want. They give you the opportunity to practice compassion and courage, and ultimately to grow. The dreamer in me thinks that maybe heartbreak happens to prepare you for the person you would end up with.

4. Your friends can be soulmates too – not just your boyfriend

Boys will come and go. Sometimes a man will only make a cameo appearance in your life, sometimes he will play a more permanent role. But there is bound to be some degree of boyfriend turnover throughout your lifetime. Your friends, on the other hand, remain the permanent cast in your life. They will be there to pick you up if you are injured. They will be there to celebrate your successes. They will provide a listening ear and give you a safe, comforting hug when you need it most. I once made the mistake of disappearing from my friends’ lives because I had a boyfriend, and I vowed never to make that mistake again.

Many think that only your romantic partner can be your soulmate and therefore invest all their love and energy in that person. But friends can also be soulmates. They enrich your life, your heart and your soul. They are not supposed to be on call when your friend is busy. They are also not supposed to fill your time just because you are single again. Whether it’s a boyfriend, a spouse, a sister, or a girlfriend – find balance in the people you make efforts with. Invest in the people who care about you and you will end up with a life full of wealth and love.

5. If your values ​​are not aligned, it won’t be long before you clash

I recently learned that the most important thing to look for in a partner is values ​​alignment. That is the root and foundation of everything else that will follow in the relationship. If your partner lives life with a different compass when it comes to morals and values, it won’t be long before your paths collide instead of converge. I have entered into relationships knowing there was a difference in values ​​and priorities, but continued anyway. And if you don’t know what a healthy relationship is, it’s hard to know the difference between normal and dysfunctional. I spent too much time lying to myself that everything was fine, even though deep down I knew it wasn’t. I have learned to stop justifying. And most importantly, I learned to be honest with myself.

I hope that some of the hardships and different people I have encountered over the past decade will help me make better decisions in the future. But even if you think you have all the answers and a clear idea of ​​the type of relationship and person you want to be with, the universe can surprise you in a funny way when you least expect it. As an eternal student of life and love, I welcome the next chapter.

Photo credit: Donna Grayson